Letting Go and Receiving More (Eventually)

This was supposed to be my year. 

My youngest has started 1st grade which means that all four of my kids should be in school all day long. I've dreamed of this time for years. This was when I would finally have a chance to focus on my professional life. Mornings spent at my part time job with no need to rush off to make sure I made it to Kindergarten pick up on time. Afternoons spent writing in a quiet house. 

I'd have time to do all the things I've wanted to do over the years. I'd give this blog a much needed refresh and finally eliminate all the typos. (Yes I do know they are there.) I'd work on freelance writing for other publications and have a whole pipeline of articles that would soon be published. I'd have time to branch out into public speaking. 

Instead I'm home schooling my kids because of all the uncertainty around COVID19. It was too hard to plan around possible school closures so my husband and I decided to plan to have the kids home the whole year. I'm still able to work part time in the mornings, but I have to rush home to be with the kids while Brandon works in the afternoons. Instead of writing in a quiet house I'm teaching my kids language arts and social studies. (Brandon is in charge of science and math in the morning.)

I'm at peace with the decision to home school, but it took me a while to accept that I have to scale down my professional plans for the year. It just didn't seem fair that I'd have to wait on those things. 

But I started thinking about other times I've had to put parts of my professional life on hold to focus on the kids. 

I started thinking about 2013. 

January 2013 was probably the hardest month of my life. Brandon had recently joined the Army. We'd moved to his first duty station on Fort Hood, Texas where I knew probably 3 people in the whole state. I had three kids under the age of three and was unknowingly a few weeks pregnant with a fourth baby. I was lonely and overwhelmed by motherhood. 

Amid all that I had an unexpected opportunity. A company that I'd worked for when Brandon was finishing college had a small office in Killeen, Texas which is next to Fort Hood. I'd loved working for that company and was still friends with several people who worked there. Somehow someone mentioned that if I wanted I could go to work in the Texas office.   

I thought this was the answer to my problems. Going back to work would help me feel more connected to the world and I would get a break from my kids. Plus I'd be working for a company I knew I liked. How could I turn this down?

But ultimately I decided not to go back to work. There were a lot of factors in that decision. But the main one was a spiritual prompting I felt. Here's what I wrote on my personal blog at that time:

 . . .  I decided not to go to work right now because of a quiet prompting I got while looking out the window one day. I felt something say in my heart that if I sacrifice now and stay home with my kids I'll be rewarded later. Whether that means I'll be rewarded with a great job, or just great kids I don't know. But I do know that I felt calm and peaceful about staying home.

It ultimately comes down to this. The odds of finding a great company to work for are a lot higher than ever having the chance to raise my twin girls and baby boy again.

Within a month I found out I was pregnant. Some people may see another baby as a blessing, but I was not happy about it. This baby meant more sleepless nights, more diaper changes, more feedings, and overall more stress for me. What about my dreams for a professional career? What about this reward that was supposedly coming eventually? It just didn't seem fair that I'd have to wait on those things. 

But I was being short sighted. 

The story is too long to tell here, but four years later I got a job working in Yellowstone. (If you want to hear the story check out this video.) My family moved there with me, and all 6 of us lived in a 25 foot RV. It was one of the best summers of my life. I loved my job and I loved being able to explore the park with my family when I wasn't at work. 

At some point during the summer I realized that this was it. This was the "reward." I'd chosen to stay home with my kids trusting that there was something great for us down the road. On that lonely day in January I'd never imagined that I'd end up living in a National Park for 12 weeks. I'd never imagined that I'd be the Assistant Controller at Roosevelt Lodge. I never imagined that I'd take my kids to see Old Faithful and Lower Falls on a regular basis. But here I was. 

These days I'm trusting that the same promises hold true. I haven't had any quiet promptings this time, but I'm still willing to sacrifice. I'm willing to let my professional dreams and plans and hopes for this year go. I'm willing to let them be replaced by time spent working with my kids. I'm even able to see this year as an unexpected gift of extra time with my kids. 

I'm not exactly expecting a "reward" for choosing to home school my kids this year. But I have learned that good things happen when I let go of my expectations. I've learned that the things that end up happening are usually better than I could ever have planned for myself. 

Whether that means a great job, or just great kids I don't know. But I do know that I felt calm and peaceful about having the kids stay home this year.

(And I totally wrote this while helping two of my kids get breakfast and constantly telling them to be quiet so they wouldn't wake the other two up.)